


The Difference Between Surviving and Living

by Polarnacht



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Death, Difficult Decisions, Grief/Mourning, Hurt, Loss, M/M, Mercy Killing, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels, Platonic Soulmates, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Sad, Soul Bond, Soulless Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26714221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Polarnacht/pseuds/Polarnacht
Summary: When Jace dies, Magnus prays. For Alec to survive losing his Parabatai and with him half his soul. At the beginning, it seems that his prayers have been answered. Alec carries on. He resumes his post as Head of the Institute and leads the Shadowhunters. But soon Magnus realizes that Alec has changed. First Magnus just watches his loved one dissolve more and more, being replaced by a harsh and cruel man that just carries Alec’s face and nothing else. Later, Magnus realizes that he has to do something about it. It seems you might be able to survive without a soul, but you cannot live without a soul – as living entails loving.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 17
Kudos: 46





	The Difference Between Surviving and Living

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/gifts).
  * Inspired by [The Distance Between Souls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26670862) by [Nadja_Lee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee). 



> For Nadja_Lee: Thank you for being my friend 💙
> 
> A huge thank you to Jessa for betaing this work 💙
> 
> This is a sad story, make sure to read the tags.

**The Difference Between Surviving And Living**

_ “I can’t live without him.” _

Alec’s words rang in Magnus’ mind as loud as if Alec voiced them right now, though many years lay between the two points in time. Many years of violence and fighting, but also years of happiness, marriage, love. But when Magnus closed his arms tighter around Alec, the words hadn’t lost their meaning or importance. Alec was shaking violently, with silent sobs, while they all watched Jace’s body burn on the high pyre, the grey smoke darkening the otherwise flawless blue sky over Alicante. Tears were running down Alec’s face in a constant stream, tears Alec was most probably not even aware of. He stood upright, but only because Magnus held him. Alec’s hand was clutching his Parabatai rune, their rune, that had faded to a nearly invisible white scar. But Magnus knew that the scar on Alec’s soul was even more prominent for it.

Jace had died in battle, fighting the evil. He had died a heroic death, whatever that meant and for whatever it was worth. He had died protecting his fellow Shadowhunters by throwing himself between them and a demon. All help had been in vain. The runes Alec had applied with shaking hands had vanished the instant he had drawn them, not even the extra boost of Jace and Alec being Parabatai had made a difference. Warlock magic had been useless, as death had already held Jace in its unforgiving and unyielding grip. Jace had died in Alec’s arms, surrounded by Alec’s love. Magnus had found them, Jace’s lifeless body still cradled to Alec’s chest. With all his love he had coaxed Alec into letting go of Jace.

A sound like a wounded animal escaped Alec’s throat when the flames crashed over Jace, consuming his body fully. This was the moment Magnus started to pray to all the gods he knew didn’t exist, but prayed to anyway. For Alec to be able to live on, without his Parabatai by his side. With having half his soul burst into flames and burn down to ashes.

At the beginning, it seemed they would make it. Alec was mourning, of course he was. He had lost one of the most important people in his life. Magnus was there for him, in the days but even more important, he was there in the nights, where nightmares haunted Alec’s dreams and the darkness of the nights left no escape to hide Alec’s true feelings. Alec had stopped acting as the Head of the Institute right after Jace’s death and Magnus had seconded it, believing all Alec needed was time. Time to process the loss, time to heal. Magnus had lost many beloved people in his long life; he had always healed in the end. But he also had never lost part of his soul.

When Alec started to work again, all took it as a good sign. So did Magnus, at first. It seemed Alec was coping. No one expected him to be back to normal within weeks. They all expected him to be a little different. They all overlooked the signs that in retrospect would shine like red flags. The changes in Alec were so gradual that no one caught them. He was more demanding towards his co-workers, punishing disobedience or failure more harshly than ever before. But as all were Nephilim and used to punishments, this didn’t register as odd - all forgetting that Alec had never been that kind of leader. His views got more rigid. What Alec believed was right was to be done; he was not open to listening to other opinions any longer.

Also, Magnus’ and Alec’s relationship changed. One night, lying in bed with Alec by his side, who was already drifting into a dreamless sleep, Magnus wondered when they had stopped making love and started having sex instead. Magnus missed Alec. He missed his Alexander, the husband he had chosen so many years ago. All softness and warmth had gone and been replaced by a harshness Magnus had never seen in Alec. But there were moments of hope, where Magnus looked into Alec’s eyes and saw the warm expression he had fallen for, the compassion and love they had shared. There were the moments when they leaned into each other, still united as they had always been. But the moments were few, the hard gleam in Alec’s eyes his normal expression by now. But the moments made Magnus cling to the belief that all Alec needed was time.

Time made it worse. Instead of softening again, Alec hardened further. Without mercy he ruled over the Shadowhunters of New York. But he didn’t stop with his Nephilims. He demanded obedience and loyalty from the Downworld now, enforcing every single aspect of the Accords, whether they made sense or not.

Magnus started to wonder when they had stopped having sex and started fucking instead. But he closed his eyes. He was not ready to acknowledge that this person in front of him was not his Alexander anymore, but an empty shell that carried his beloved husband’s face. He was not ready to let go of Alec, of the life they had built together, of the dreams they had shared. And he still hoped. He still hoped that the gods had listened or would listen in the end and grant him his first and only wish. That Alec would be able to live on.

The moments Magnus thought he got glimpses of his former Alexander got fewer and shorter until they weren’t there anymore. In one of those last moments, Alec looked at Magnus, his eyes soft and warm – and full of pain.

“Help me, Magnus. Please help me.” It was a nearly inaudible whisper and later Magnus asked himself if it had been real, as just a second later, Alec shook himself and watched Magnus with a distant expression on his face, claiming he had no idea what Magnus was talking about when he asked.

But still, Magnus couldn’t bring himself to act, though deep down he knew that Alec was lost. For now he just watched Alec getting darker every day, descending deeper into hell with no means to return. It was a couple of days later when he realized it was time.

The panicked voice of the werewolf was still ringing in Magnus’ ears when he reached the bar. Outside, a bunch of young-looking party guests had grouped together, mobiles in hand, trying to get a glimpse of what was going on inside. Glass shards were scattered all over the ground in front of the bar; some bottles were still laying around together with forgotten jackets and purses. Clearly some had left in a haste. 

With a snap of his hand, Magnus conjured a strong magical shield, that left all bystanders with an unsettling feeling and the urge to go home. Soon, the place in front of the bar was empty. Magnus stepped through the front door, hoping against all odds that he was not too late. The werewolf had called him to ask for his help. One freshly-turned werewolf had lost control in a bar full of people. Thankfully there had been other werewolves to prevent mundanes from getting killed, but it was just a matter of time until Shadowhunters arrived – and with the new strict rules it would likely mean a life in prison – or worse.

When Magnus entered, he knew he was too late. The air was already filled with blood and death. Shadowhunters with drawn blades held desperate and crying werewolves in check. A small werewolf was lying in the middle of the bar, half transformed to her human form. She was young. In wolf years, but also in human years. She was in her late teens, early twenties maybe. Had been, Magnus corrected himself with a pained sigh. Hunched over her lifeless body stood Alec, the blood-dripping dagger still in hand. Her bare chest showed a stab wound right where her heart was. Slowly, Alec turned around to meet Magnus’ gaze.

“What have you done, Alec?” Magnus couldn’t help but hiss, while he ran tiredly with his hand over his face. “She was barely a grown up.”

Alec met Magnus’ scrutinizing look calmly and coldly, there was no hint of remorse or anything in the cold hazel eyes. Maybe a hint of a question. “She has violated the Accords. She transformed into a wolf among mundanes. I needed to kill her.”

“But she has just been bitten, she didn’t know any better! She didn’t want to harm anyone!” Magnus sounded desperate. The memory of a very different Alec surfaced unwantedly but pressingly. An Alec who had fought with him side by side to save a little werewolf, in a similar bar but a lifetime away.

Alec just looked at him, as if he didn’t really understand what Magnus was talking about. “She has violated the Accords,” he just repeated, before he cleaned his dagger on his pants and tucked it back into his thigh holster.

Magnus swallowed. Probably Alec really didn’t understand. But Magnus did now. This person in front of him might carry Alec’s face, but he wasn’t Alec anymore. Hadn’t been for a long time; ever since half of his soul had died together with Jace. The gods had heard his prayers and answered them in the cruelest way. Alec had survived. But without his soul, Alec couldn’t love any longer. And without love, there was no living. Just surviving.

* * *

“I’m back.” Alec’s indifferent voice rang through the loft. Back. Never home. Magnus had realized very late that Alec never used the word home anymore. With slightly trembling fingers he poured the contents of the green flask into one glass of red wine, which he then handed over to Alec. He swallowed before he downed his own glass in one go, watching Alec taking a huge gulp, before the glass scattered to the ground, followed quickly by Alec.

Alec died in Magnus’ arms, surrounded by Magnus’ love that he didn’t feel any longer. But it was there. 

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to all the haters (you know who you are): Thank you for inspiring me.


End file.
